There IS a Place for Selfishness

I am going to be honest and say that lately I've been struggling with selfishness. In previous relationships, this would have been THE last thing anyone would have ever suggested as an issue. If anything, I was too UN-selfish. If anything at all, I put the needs of others before my own well being, let alone before any of my wants. I had been involved with unhealthy people, and had become unhealthy myself after years of giving of myself to people who were incapable of giving back. I kept expecting that eventually, if I was more selfless, more lovable, more this, less of that, that I would somehow earn their approval and love. I had become so selfless that by the time I found a way out of those relationships, I was willing to pay big money to learn how to put myself first, to learn how to draw the line, to learn how to be in control rather than controlled, to learn how to be well, a little more selfish. And that's just what I'd become.

On my own I was doing great. I had a career, a great little boy, friends, my family, and of course, most of all, I had my sanity. I had dealt with the hurt from my past relationships, I was secure now in who I was, I knew what I deserved from a relationship and never again would accept anything less. I had made it through the wilderness and was revelling in my healthy and fulfilling life, free from the chaos of life that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict, having rid myself of my un-selfishness, I was a healthy lady with healthy boundaries.....or so I thought.

Once I found myself in a relationship with someone who was not abusive, without addiction issues, I found myself wondering why I was struggling with selfishness - I had NEVER seen myself in this light in any of my previous relationships, in fact, as I said, it was quite the opposite. For a long time I wondered.....why was I such the opposite before, why do I keep struggling with this now? It finally dawned on me - this was what the books, the counsellors, the friends, all taught me to do. See when you are in a relationship with an unhealthy person, they tend to have unrealistic expectations of you. They are controlling, demanding, and selfish. They eat away at your self esteem bit by bit until you are left with nothing. So I learned, how to set boundaries, how to hold my position and not let them manipulate me, I had to learn how to regain control of the life that had become so out of control.

Now in my healthy relationship, I find that, at times, I am doing exactly what I was taught; but, the whole response to co-dependency, to this so called selflessness is designed to respond to those unhealthy relationships. But many of us who have been involved in unhealthy relationships in our past, whether it was an unhealthy parent, brother, boyfriend, or wife, end up learning how to be more selfish in order to preserve and protect our own dignity. We end up feeling like we have to keep that new guard of selfishness up at all times in order to avoid being swallowed again into the abyss of abuse.

Learning how to be in relationship with someone who is healthy is difficult, but so rewarding. It's realizing that the healthy person you are with can actually reciprocate all of the things you once gave while receiving nothing in return. How amazing is that! Realizing that the healthy person you are with IS going to consider your point of view, your feelings, your needs, so that you don't feel like you have to justify them like the court of law. It is realizing that you don't have to be selfish and worry about putting up boundaries and walls anymore. It is tearing down all of the walls built to preserve and protect, and realizing that its okay to be vulnerable again, its okay to love and give all of yourself, its okay to be YOU!

There's definitely something to be said for teaching boundaries to a person who has none and is being manipulated and hurt either physically, sexually, or emotionally. There IS a place for selfishness - learning how to be a little selfish is in fact what probably saved my life! But now, in the comfort of life with a healthy man, and with God as my foundation for everything, I have to remember that there is a place for selfishness, its just not here. Being selfLESS and putting others first is who I used to be, before I was so hurt. It is who I want to be, who I was created to be. I feel so blessed as God peels away all of the world that is on me, as he strips away ever spot, stain, and scar. I am so blessed to have found God, to have found an amazing man, and to finally be finding myself again.