Tuesday, October 20, 2009
More on Selfishness - a comment on my last post
A very wise man pointed out to me today that he wasn't sure that the term "selfish" was rightly fitting here. I do understand why. Perhaps the terms guarded, or on the defensive, or maybe just more conscious of my own needs, would all be a more accurate description, although I'm not entirely sure they really describe what I meant. I think the fact that I chose the term "selfish" only illustrates further the point I was trying to make in my last post. That point is that to someone who has been in co-dependent (in its original and intended meaning), being conscious of my own needs, at times, feels selfish. The term I think comes with a little too much condemnation; however, before I realized WHY I was reacting in certain ways in my current relationship, I did feel a bit of condemnation. There was a bit of the question "why am I being so selfish?". Once I realized why I was reacting that way, the condemnation lifted, and I was able to get a clear picture about what was going on. I no longer worried that something could be wrong with me - or that maybe all those years I really was a selfish person....I came to an understanding that I had been reacting in a completely logical way, considering my past circumstances. It was just another layer of the onion peeled away. As I continue to grow and learn, I love these moments when God peels away yet another layer of hardness from my heart. The effects of our sinful world are all over us and in us, and I just love the process of God peeling the world off of me; stripping me down. Sometimes that process is difficult, but at the same time, with each layer peeled away, I feel a thousand pounds is lifted from my shoulders. Now I am getting into an entirely new topic/post here but thought I'd share some more on this last post....on this last layer....before I move onto the next :-)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
There IS a Place for Selfishness
I am going to be honest and say that lately I've been struggling with selfishness. In previous relationships, this would have been THE last thing anyone would have ever suggested as an issue. If anything, I was too UN-selfish. If anything at all, I put the needs of others before my own well being, let alone before any of my wants. I had been involved with unhealthy people, and had become unhealthy myself after years of giving of myself to people who were incapable of giving back. I kept expecting that eventually, if I was more selfless, more lovable, more this, less of that, that I would somehow earn their approval and love. I had become so selfless that by the time I found a way out of those relationships, I was willing to pay big money to learn how to put myself first, to learn how to draw the line, to learn how to be in control rather than controlled, to learn how to be well, a little more selfish. And that's just what I'd become.
On my own I was doing great. I had a career, a great little boy, friends, my family, and of course, most of all, I had my sanity. I had dealt with the hurt from my past relationships, I was secure now in who I was, I knew what I deserved from a relationship and never again would accept anything less. I had made it through the wilderness and was revelling in my healthy and fulfilling life, free from the chaos of life that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict, having rid myself of my un-selfishness, I was a healthy lady with healthy boundaries.....or so I thought.
Once I found myself in a relationship with someone who was not abusive, without addiction issues, I found myself wondering why I was struggling with selfishness - I had NEVER seen myself in this light in any of my previous relationships, in fact, as I said, it was quite the opposite. For a long time I wondered.....why was I such the opposite before, why do I keep struggling with this now? It finally dawned on me - this was what the books, the counsellors, the friends, all taught me to do. See when you are in a relationship with an unhealthy person, they tend to have unrealistic expectations of you. They are controlling, demanding, and selfish. They eat away at your self esteem bit by bit until you are left with nothing. So I learned, how to set boundaries, how to hold my position and not let them manipulate me, I had to learn how to regain control of the life that had become so out of control.
Now in my healthy relationship, I find that, at times, I am doing exactly what I was taught; but, the whole response to co-dependency, to this so called selflessness is designed to respond to those unhealthy relationships. But many of us who have been involved in unhealthy relationships in our past, whether it was an unhealthy parent, brother, boyfriend, or wife, end up learning how to be more selfish in order to preserve and protect our own dignity. We end up feeling like we have to keep that new guard of selfishness up at all times in order to avoid being swallowed again into the abyss of abuse.
Learning how to be in relationship with someone who is healthy is difficult, but so rewarding. It's realizing that the healthy person you are with can actually reciprocate all of the things you once gave while receiving nothing in return. How amazing is that! Realizing that the healthy person you are with IS going to consider your point of view, your feelings, your needs, so that you don't feel like you have to justify them like the court of law. It is realizing that you don't have to be selfish and worry about putting up boundaries and walls anymore. It is tearing down all of the walls built to preserve and protect, and realizing that its okay to be vulnerable again, its okay to love and give all of yourself, its okay to be YOU!
There's definitely something to be said for teaching boundaries to a person who has none and is being manipulated and hurt either physically, sexually, or emotionally. There IS a place for selfishness - learning how to be a little selfish is in fact what probably saved my life! But now, in the comfort of life with a healthy man, and with God as my foundation for everything, I have to remember that there is a place for selfishness, its just not here. Being selfLESS and putting others first is who I used to be, before I was so hurt. It is who I want to be, who I was created to be. I feel so blessed as God peels away all of the world that is on me, as he strips away ever spot, stain, and scar. I am so blessed to have found God, to have found an amazing man, and to finally be finding myself again.
On my own I was doing great. I had a career, a great little boy, friends, my family, and of course, most of all, I had my sanity. I had dealt with the hurt from my past relationships, I was secure now in who I was, I knew what I deserved from a relationship and never again would accept anything less. I had made it through the wilderness and was revelling in my healthy and fulfilling life, free from the chaos of life that comes from being in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict, having rid myself of my un-selfishness, I was a healthy lady with healthy boundaries.....or so I thought.
Once I found myself in a relationship with someone who was not abusive, without addiction issues, I found myself wondering why I was struggling with selfishness - I had NEVER seen myself in this light in any of my previous relationships, in fact, as I said, it was quite the opposite. For a long time I wondered.....why was I such the opposite before, why do I keep struggling with this now? It finally dawned on me - this was what the books, the counsellors, the friends, all taught me to do. See when you are in a relationship with an unhealthy person, they tend to have unrealistic expectations of you. They are controlling, demanding, and selfish. They eat away at your self esteem bit by bit until you are left with nothing. So I learned, how to set boundaries, how to hold my position and not let them manipulate me, I had to learn how to regain control of the life that had become so out of control.
Now in my healthy relationship, I find that, at times, I am doing exactly what I was taught; but, the whole response to co-dependency, to this so called selflessness is designed to respond to those unhealthy relationships. But many of us who have been involved in unhealthy relationships in our past, whether it was an unhealthy parent, brother, boyfriend, or wife, end up learning how to be more selfish in order to preserve and protect our own dignity. We end up feeling like we have to keep that new guard of selfishness up at all times in order to avoid being swallowed again into the abyss of abuse.
Learning how to be in relationship with someone who is healthy is difficult, but so rewarding. It's realizing that the healthy person you are with can actually reciprocate all of the things you once gave while receiving nothing in return. How amazing is that! Realizing that the healthy person you are with IS going to consider your point of view, your feelings, your needs, so that you don't feel like you have to justify them like the court of law. It is realizing that you don't have to be selfish and worry about putting up boundaries and walls anymore. It is tearing down all of the walls built to preserve and protect, and realizing that its okay to be vulnerable again, its okay to love and give all of yourself, its okay to be YOU!
There's definitely something to be said for teaching boundaries to a person who has none and is being manipulated and hurt either physically, sexually, or emotionally. There IS a place for selfishness - learning how to be a little selfish is in fact what probably saved my life! But now, in the comfort of life with a healthy man, and with God as my foundation for everything, I have to remember that there is a place for selfishness, its just not here. Being selfLESS and putting others first is who I used to be, before I was so hurt. It is who I want to be, who I was created to be. I feel so blessed as God peels away all of the world that is on me, as he strips away ever spot, stain, and scar. I am so blessed to have found God, to have found an amazing man, and to finally be finding myself again.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Do Less, Trust More!
I was on a long drive back to Victoria today and found myself looking back at all of the times that this message has been given to me, and how many more times it has been confirmed....do less, trust more. Seems pretty simple, but yet we tend to do quite the opposite, more times than not. Some people spend a life time trying to "fix" themselves, and as they exhaust all of the latest self help programs, empty their pocket books on counselling, and end up on the ground (some literally!) filled with frustration and despair, and still don't find joy, still don't change, still don't beat their addiction, still don't find healing, still don't find freedom from anger, hurt, resentment, depression, the list goes on and on.
Why do you suppose that is? Many christians may say there's an easy answer to that question - those people haven't found God. But others would argue that many people who have found God face the same struggles as those who haven't. Looking around, they may not be fully convinced when you tell them that God is the answer.
So what IS the answer? It's the age old question, and like diets, there are plenty fads, pills, books, programs, and systems out there that are full of all sorts of promises.
I was, for a long time, a bit of a personal growth fanatic. I've always been very analitical, interested in psychology, and with a long list of innaccurate beliefs about myself, relationships, and life in general, I was the perfect project. I have read books, been to conferences, spent many hours in counselling, listened to cds, watched videos....I have always been on a mission to transform and "fix" myself, in hopes that I would someday end up at peace with myself. When I got saved, although I really did truly and absolutely love God without a doubt, I started out doing the SAME thing I'd always done, trying to "fix" myself, but instead of Dr.Phil, or The Secret, now it was the word of God. Determined to find perfection, freedom, happiness, and blessings from God, I dove into the Word, I listened to tapes, watched videos, listened to sermons, and tried rigorously to transform myself. Since I'm pretty good at setting my mind to something and getting it done, I have banged my head against many a wall trying to figure out why I was not any closer to feeling that freedom. I prayed everyday, several times in a day. I studied, and prayed, and tried to do what I thought God wanted me to do, and when I failed miserably, I would cry out to God "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO GOD?????"
So many times I was too busy yelling and screaming inside to hear what he had to say, but there were times when I would hear his response and he would simply say "nothing". Well, anyone knows that doing nothing for me, is pretty near impossible and so I resisted giving up complete control. As a result, I had to learn the hard way: by making the same mistake over and over again. The things I'd been trying all of my life (include God in that list), were not working because I had been trying to achieve transformation through conformation. I was trying to conform myself to be all of the things I was reading about. I was trying to conform by denying my own feelings. I was suppressing who I was and trying to conform into what I thought everybody else wanted from me. Finally I realized that I cannot transform myself . Even though I did gain ground some of the time, it was never permanent - it was 1 step forward and 3 steps back. It was still a battle I would continue to lose again and again.....until I realized, and I mean realized down to the core of me, that this was not a battle I was meant to be fighting in the first place. Like a loving parent, God was watching me as I was throwing fit after fit, trying so hard, and falling even harder, waiting for me to become exhausted so that I would finally throw my hands in the air and stop yelling "What do you want ME to do God?" and instead say "I give up God, I'm done fighting, I NEED YOU!" I am certain that I'd then hear a big sigh of relief and He would say "It's about time you gave up! Finally, you're going to let ME sit in the driver's seat!" And every single time I've done that, he has rewarded me. Every time! I used to think that by DOING and CONFORMING and TRYING HARDER, I would eventually be rewarded for all of my hard work but the truest reward of all comes in knowing that He has already won the battle for me. That I don't need to do anything to get Him to love me more or to deserve His promises more. He has rewarded me in so many ways just by loving me. He has broken the clutches of anger, bitterness, jealousy, worry, fear, loneliness, guilt, and shame.
It has been so true that whenever I have tried to solve the problem myself, I have ended up with more of whatever it is I'm trying to get rid of. But when I've let go and given God time, I've began to see ways in which God has transformed me, my circumstance, or someone else in my life (or all of the above), from the inside out. He has solved problems for me in ways I never could have imagined. He has provided marvelous outcomes that were so far from what I could have ever dreamed or hoped or prayed for. He has lifted me right up out of circumstances and taken me to places I would never have been able to imagine. He is in the business of transformation. We try to change by conforming, by doing, by our own works, and it doesn't work. Recovery programs are built on that very notion - that we can't change on our own, we need God to change us. Let go and let God, is not just a recovery program slogan, it is the truth.
There's no doubt that all of the self help books I read, the counselling, and all of the work I did in the areas of personal growth, made a difference. Of course, they improved my life at times to varying degrees; however, I could only get so far on my own. To realize true change, I needed God in my life, but that's not it. It was when I truly submit to God, and truly let him take control, that I began to realize change. Read your bible for YOU, not because you feel like that's what you're supposed to do. Pray and instead of asking God what YOU should do, ask him to help you do less controlling, less manipulating, less works of the flesh, and more trusting and abiding in His love and grace. Our works alone, are kind of like fad diets for the soul- trying to change the symptom, but only true success can come from a complete lifestyle change and that begins in your heart. God will transform your heart if you let Him and if you trust Him.
Have you ever been sitting in the passenger seat, watching as whoever's driving throws a fit about someone on the road...and you can't help but think about how ridiculous it seems to get all worked up about someone cutting them off in traffic or driving in the passing lane? I am so that person when I'm driving! Yet, if I'm sitting thru the same senario in the passenger seat, I just don't get so riled up -I feel relaxed and have greater perspective. Life is the same way, let God sit in the driver's seat, let him deal with the traffic! During a family road trip through California, I had the priveledge of sitting in the passenger seat for nearly the entire trip. It was so relaxing and I was able to take in the most beautiful sites along the way. Let God sit in the driver's seat and take a turn in the passenger seat for a change and enjoy the ride, enjoy the view, and watch as God transforms your life. Relax, and let God take on the world! It is hard at first, and you will want to chime in with your own two cents worth or even try and take over - like one of those annoying backseat drivers; but, as you get used to it, it is freedom! Life is so much more enjoyable from the passenger seat, especially when God's doing the driving :-)
Why do you suppose that is? Many christians may say there's an easy answer to that question - those people haven't found God. But others would argue that many people who have found God face the same struggles as those who haven't. Looking around, they may not be fully convinced when you tell them that God is the answer.
So what IS the answer? It's the age old question, and like diets, there are plenty fads, pills, books, programs, and systems out there that are full of all sorts of promises.
I was, for a long time, a bit of a personal growth fanatic. I've always been very analitical, interested in psychology, and with a long list of innaccurate beliefs about myself, relationships, and life in general, I was the perfect project. I have read books, been to conferences, spent many hours in counselling, listened to cds, watched videos....I have always been on a mission to transform and "fix" myself, in hopes that I would someday end up at peace with myself. When I got saved, although I really did truly and absolutely love God without a doubt, I started out doing the SAME thing I'd always done, trying to "fix" myself, but instead of Dr.Phil, or The Secret, now it was the word of God. Determined to find perfection, freedom, happiness, and blessings from God, I dove into the Word, I listened to tapes, watched videos, listened to sermons, and tried rigorously to transform myself. Since I'm pretty good at setting my mind to something and getting it done, I have banged my head against many a wall trying to figure out why I was not any closer to feeling that freedom. I prayed everyday, several times in a day. I studied, and prayed, and tried to do what I thought God wanted me to do, and when I failed miserably, I would cry out to God "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO GOD?????"
So many times I was too busy yelling and screaming inside to hear what he had to say, but there were times when I would hear his response and he would simply say "nothing". Well, anyone knows that doing nothing for me, is pretty near impossible and so I resisted giving up complete control. As a result, I had to learn the hard way: by making the same mistake over and over again. The things I'd been trying all of my life (include God in that list), were not working because I had been trying to achieve transformation through conformation. I was trying to conform myself to be all of the things I was reading about. I was trying to conform by denying my own feelings. I was suppressing who I was and trying to conform into what I thought everybody else wanted from me. Finally I realized that I cannot transform myself . Even though I did gain ground some of the time, it was never permanent - it was 1 step forward and 3 steps back. It was still a battle I would continue to lose again and again.....until I realized, and I mean realized down to the core of me, that this was not a battle I was meant to be fighting in the first place. Like a loving parent, God was watching me as I was throwing fit after fit, trying so hard, and falling even harder, waiting for me to become exhausted so that I would finally throw my hands in the air and stop yelling "What do you want ME to do God?" and instead say "I give up God, I'm done fighting, I NEED YOU!" I am certain that I'd then hear a big sigh of relief and He would say "It's about time you gave up! Finally, you're going to let ME sit in the driver's seat!" And every single time I've done that, he has rewarded me. Every time! I used to think that by DOING and CONFORMING and TRYING HARDER, I would eventually be rewarded for all of my hard work but the truest reward of all comes in knowing that He has already won the battle for me. That I don't need to do anything to get Him to love me more or to deserve His promises more. He has rewarded me in so many ways just by loving me. He has broken the clutches of anger, bitterness, jealousy, worry, fear, loneliness, guilt, and shame.
It has been so true that whenever I have tried to solve the problem myself, I have ended up with more of whatever it is I'm trying to get rid of. But when I've let go and given God time, I've began to see ways in which God has transformed me, my circumstance, or someone else in my life (or all of the above), from the inside out. He has solved problems for me in ways I never could have imagined. He has provided marvelous outcomes that were so far from what I could have ever dreamed or hoped or prayed for. He has lifted me right up out of circumstances and taken me to places I would never have been able to imagine. He is in the business of transformation. We try to change by conforming, by doing, by our own works, and it doesn't work. Recovery programs are built on that very notion - that we can't change on our own, we need God to change us. Let go and let God, is not just a recovery program slogan, it is the truth.
There's no doubt that all of the self help books I read, the counselling, and all of the work I did in the areas of personal growth, made a difference. Of course, they improved my life at times to varying degrees; however, I could only get so far on my own. To realize true change, I needed God in my life, but that's not it. It was when I truly submit to God, and truly let him take control, that I began to realize change. Read your bible for YOU, not because you feel like that's what you're supposed to do. Pray and instead of asking God what YOU should do, ask him to help you do less controlling, less manipulating, less works of the flesh, and more trusting and abiding in His love and grace. Our works alone, are kind of like fad diets for the soul- trying to change the symptom, but only true success can come from a complete lifestyle change and that begins in your heart. God will transform your heart if you let Him and if you trust Him.
Have you ever been sitting in the passenger seat, watching as whoever's driving throws a fit about someone on the road...and you can't help but think about how ridiculous it seems to get all worked up about someone cutting them off in traffic or driving in the passing lane? I am so that person when I'm driving! Yet, if I'm sitting thru the same senario in the passenger seat, I just don't get so riled up -I feel relaxed and have greater perspective. Life is the same way, let God sit in the driver's seat, let him deal with the traffic! During a family road trip through California, I had the priveledge of sitting in the passenger seat for nearly the entire trip. It was so relaxing and I was able to take in the most beautiful sites along the way. Let God sit in the driver's seat and take a turn in the passenger seat for a change and enjoy the ride, enjoy the view, and watch as God transforms your life. Relax, and let God take on the world! It is hard at first, and you will want to chime in with your own two cents worth or even try and take over - like one of those annoying backseat drivers; but, as you get used to it, it is freedom! Life is so much more enjoyable from the passenger seat, especially when God's doing the driving :-)
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